Saving myself for marriage

Noble. Respectful. Good. God's heart. These are some reasons why I am saving myself for marriage. I think it is wonderful, but sometimes I wonder, have I taken it too far. "Jess, what DO you mean?" I will tell you, hold on, and whether it relates to me saving myself for marriage or not, it is not clear, but is seemed like a great segway into what I am about to say.
I can't make eye-contact with men. If I know you and know that there is no way anything will ever happen between us (which is most any guy I know) I could win a staring contest, but if I don't know you or haven't had the chance to smother you in friendliness I avoid eye-contact. I don't have to think he is cute or vise versa, just being in the same 20 year age bracket 20-40 years old intimidates me. Unfortunately I think it stems from low self-esteem about my attraction level. I think I am a wonderful person, beautiful and everything, but I feel like I have little to no ability to attract the opposite sex upon first glance. I am avoiding rejection really. My thought is, if I make eye-contact they might think I am interested in them and having such low views of my attraction level I don't want them to have the opportunity to say, "Um, no thanks". Like that is really what eye-contact communicates. . .I know, it is ridiculous, but I have noticed it a lot in the past week or two. Tomorrow I am going to make it a point to stare down 2 or 3 single men I don't know. This is going to be awkward.

ahhh (sigh not yell)

Well, time flies these days. You don't even have to be having fun. I have had some fun, but I have also had sadness. The holiday season. . .as much as I wait for it all year long, it gets here and I feel like I am trying to pick up a greased pig. I want to cherish every moment and put it in my brain so that I can return to it when life is down in the dumps, but instead it is messy and fast.
Thanksgiving was delightful, going home is a real paradise to me. Unfortunately I fell fast from cloud nine when, before I had even reached the freeway for my journey back to L.A., I found out my Uncle Freddy had passed away (my Aunt Hilda's husband). Not but two days later the news that my Aunt Penny had died reached me as I was rushing to go to school. I am okay with death, as okay as anyone can be, I guess, but. . .it is sad. I am going to miss my Aunt a lot. She was my buddy. Christmas for my family this year is going to be heavy.
I know dealing with loss is a process, and for that I am thankful, because as I am finding out about my Uncle and Aunt I am packing for a trip to New York to see my Best Friend Ali G.
* I had morbid thoughts as I got on the plane to fly out, thinking, "It would be so ironic that this plane would crash knowing all the loss my family was dealing with at the time".*
With my families blessings I flew to N.Y. knowing I was going to miss my Aunt Penny's funeral, (we decided she would have wanted me to go to N.Y.). Time there was so sweet. Alison is really a remarkable friend in the sense that I could not be more comfortable with a person as I am with her. She is like a sister, really. We went to a super fancy club that is like every other super fancy club, by super fancy I mean totally LAME. I saw it snow in New York just like Law and Order. My dad treated us to a nice dinner at Tao. Lame clubs, snow, dinners, they are all best with a great friend. I think I would have ended up there if Al had moved there straight out of college, but that makes me sad to think of because then I wouldn't have become friends with all my friends I have made since college, and they are good.
When I got back from N.Y. I hit the ground running. The band had a show the day after I landed, cheer, work, musical tryouts, and parties will fill my days until I go home to Phoenix on the 20th. It is then that I plan to return to my original plan of soaking up the holidays' good vibe and store it in my brain. Oh and tomorrow I will start exercising.

running with scissors

The book was no good. That is my opinion after finishing it. Notice I didn't even capitalize the title, It wasn't worth the effort of extending my pinky finger to the shift key. Read something else.